Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so “A typical”. The two personality groups (A and B) are based on a popular psychological theory that we as individuals are classified as one or the other. This, of course, fails completely when you have people who share attributes from both groups, but for the sake of this blog post, we’ll just agree that they exist for now. As it turns out, I am every bit the A personality type; organised, focused, competitive, impatient and definitely concerned with time-management. I also have the “achievement-driven mentality” much to my dismay. I’d give anything to be more laid back but it just doesn’t seem to work for me. This often causes me undue stress, stress I’d rather not have. At work, I tend to be concerned with things I shouldn’t including being paranoid that my work colleagues are trying to sabotage me somehow.
Are they really, though? I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach not to trust someone or something they have done and it never leaves me. It’s something I’ve had all my life. The problem is that when I sense something is off about someone, I’m usually right. Should I call it “intuition?” I don’t know, but it’s there and I wish it wasn’t. If only I could remain oblivious like my other colleagues. And the problem is you can’t talk to anyone about it because you don’t want them to think you’re paranoid or simply “out to get” the person that makes you feel uneasy. I’m often between a rock and a hard place and sometimes, it feels just awful because I have so much doubt about this person and no way of working through it. What if I’m right and they are “gunning for me”. Do you know how competitive the workplace can be? I liken it to a battlefield and you’re either the one in the stretcher bleeding profusely or you’re the one behind the gun. I get queasy around blood so… gunner it is.
I’m sure other people have felt this way and preferred not to. I suppose it’s part of who I am, perhaps not welcome personality traits, but unequivocally me. That said, I’m not accepting of it at all. I think feeling this way alienates me from people psychologically which in turn alienates me from people in the physical sense too, perhaps without even realising it.
Now I think I understand what it means to (sometimes) not want to be the person that you are.