I dunno how I’m going to get passed this work thing. It’s my first day back after confirming with my manager that I’m going to stay. But I’m not dealing with this very well. I’m not OK at all. I am sitting at my desk now and all I want to do is go home. People are joking around, everyone is happy and I’m sitting here like a little baby wanting their comfort blanket. I’ve resisted the urge to cry a couple times. I don’t want to talk to anybody about it.
I think I might need some time off work. But then I’ll eventually have to return and face the fact that I just suck and go through this all over again.
I don’t remember failure feeling this bad in the past. I guess I haven’t failed at something since I was a kid. I think that’s why I’m having such a bad time of it. I forgot what failure felt like. Well, it stings and it burns all at once right in the pit of your stomach. And then when you take a deep breath in, you realise why you’re the one. Why you got chosen.
I think life would be easier if I didn’t give myself such a hard time about things. But then I think about what my Father would say if he was still alive. He’d be so mad. He’d probably want to disown me. And that’s why I feel so bad. My Dad was mean when it came to failure. And I am mean to myself because of that.
I want to be kind to myself but I don’t think I deserve it…