When you’re self centered without meaning to be…

I dunno how I’m going to get passed this work thing. It’s my first day back after confirming with my manager that I’m going to stay. But I’m not dealing with this very well. I’m not OK at all. I am sitting at my desk now and all I want to do is go home. People are joking around, everyone is happy and I’m sitting here like a little baby wanting their comfort blanket. I’ve resisted the urge to cry a couple times. I don’t want to talk to anybody about it.

I think I might need some time off work. But then I’ll eventually have to return and face the fact that I just suck and go through this all over again.

I don’t remember failure feeling this bad in the past. I guess I haven’t failed at something since I was a kid. I think that’s why I’m having such a bad time of it. I forgot what failure felt like. Well, it stings and it burns all at once right in the pit of your stomach. And then when you take a deep breath in, you realise why you’re the one. Why you got chosen.

I think life would be easier if I didn’t give myself such a hard time about things. But then I think about what my Father would say if he was still alive. He’d be so mad. He’d probably want to disown me. And that’s why I feel so bad. My Dad was mean when it came to failure. And I am mean to myself because of that.

I want to be kind to myself but I don’t think I deserve it…

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4 Comments

    1. So our team at work had to get cut from 15 people to 12 which meant that 3 people in the team had to either leave the job or move into another team that they were putting together. I didn’t want to go into the new team as I was happy where I was but they moved me because two people that were planning to resign didn’t. So I got forced to move into this new team. After my first week in this new team, I have decided I can tolerate the work until I find another job or position within the business. So I’ve started applying outside the business for jobs now as there’s nothing going currently within the business that I want to do or have the skillset for. It was pretty awful for the majority of the process, everyone was on edge. My manager thinks I am happy in the job but I’m not at all. The job has no challenges for me, it’s a huge step back in terms of where I want to go in my career path.

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        1. Yeah I’m right in the city. I don’t think I was prepared psychologically for the changes which really threw me but I’m slowly getting myself together again focused on finding a better job 😁

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