So I thought I’d borrow that nifty title from an article I read on Medium which I initially thought was all about Online Security but it was actually about a man who was in the middle of a huge life crisis and depression and felt like he had nowhere to turn. I think there is a part of my personality that wants to read about people who aren’t winning the race, people who are down and out. I don’t enjoy reading articles about people who are struggling with life, but I can’t not read them. I don’t even know why this is. So I finished the article and discovered that this guy used a password phrase that he had to use and reuse every day until he started believing in it. More to the point – he started believing in himself.
I used to think I believed in who I was. I used to have pride about who I was as a person and what I had achieved. But this year, I feel the opposite of that. Sure, there are worse things than losing a job you actually enjoy. I get that. I’m not trying to prove to the world that my plight is any worse than anyone else’s. But it’s MY plight, it’s my shitcan and I have to find my way out of it. And sharing it here with random strangers is actually helping me.
I’ve always been a writer. And I never really knew that until I decided to quit IT and become a writer focusing on the world of video gaming and entertainment. This was my happiest experience to date as a working adult. I felt like I was made to do that job. I really felt special about who I was and what I was doing with my life, like I had actually found my one true calling. People can spend their whole lives chasing that dream but I was actually making mine a reality. That was a big deal to me. Imagine having a job that never felt like a job, not even once. Yeah… that seems like such a long time ago. It makes me feel old and used and annoyed that I had everything and then just … didn’t.
Now I feel like I am back peddling to try and stop from completely failing at this race called life. I am surrounded by people from my past, all of them a lot more successful than I am. I feel completely and utterly useless and one of my colleagues in particular, likes to remind me of this without even knowing she’s doing it. That takes some skill, I tell ya. Even I couldn’t pull off being that good at being nasty.
So this article became another whiney, crap-filled cry for help that I wasn’t entirely happy about writing but there you go. And someone else’s blog post got me here. I was thinking about that article and now I am writing.
Life is such a rollercoaster. Problem is I kinda feel like I am the dumby who is paying for this ride while everyone else seems to be getting their rides for free. Sigh.