I’ve been here before. I’ve had everything I could possibly need to go further in my career except the one thing that has always alluded me; faith in myself. I have the uncanny ability to actually feel like I could take on the world and be a loser all at the same time. I’ve never truly felt like I deserved something, even when I know I worked my ass off to get it. I hate that about myself. I don’t know why I try to sabotage my own future but I do. I suspect it’s got something to do with my Dad. He was the type of person that could never accept failure, not ever. So when he lived with us, growing up, I was never allowed to do anything but succeed. So everything I did seemed like it would never measure up to his standard. And I started believing this when I was a teenager and it still has sway over me today as an adult.
But I know what’s holding me back and I know what I have to do to move towards my goal but I’m so afraid of failing that I’ve accepted my lot and I’ve just become a huge chicken shit.
There is one thing that I didn’t plan on happening though and that was the whole restructure at work. Now that it has, I know that only I can change things, nobody else. If I want to let them beat me into believing I’ll never be better, I’ll become that person they think I am. And when I think about that I get so angry I just want to defy everyone to prove to myself that I can be whatever the hell I want to be.
And then I come back down to Earth and well, yeah, I don’t do anything about it. I knew how to chase my dreams once. All I need is to be that person again.