Have you ever stopped to think about the legacy of your parents, what they are leaving behind in you? I have actually thought about this often over the years, particularly when something happens in my life that I can’t explain or excuse in some way.
Why the hell did I just do that?
Why am I screwing up like this?
It’s kinda hard to do, to really think about who you are and where you’ve come from. Are you coming from a good childhood or a bad one? Do you think you treat yourself the way you do because of who you are, because of the way your parents treated you? Do you make these mistakes because they did? It’s pretty intense, actually.
I have talked about my father briefly in previous posts, but I know I am wrong to blame him. Was he an asshole? Yes, a monumental asshole. I used to hate him because he pushed me too hard and was sometimes cruel in the way that he did that but I am grateful that I actually had a father for part of my life growing up. Some kids are abandoned and alone. He left for Australia when I was in my teens and never came back because he died while he was over there. I suppose that is a kind of abandonment but I don’t really dwell on it. I think I got the better deal because my Mum has always been amazing.
This is why I don’t want children
One thing I didn’t do was have a family. And the reason for that is I didn’t want to have to subject my children to the same shit I went through as a kid. That may sound selfish to some people but that is one thing in my life that will never ever change. And all because I think deep down, I am too much like my parents, too much like my Dad to risk ever doing what he did to my Mum.
There is something in me that I just can’t explain and it’s dark, it’s angry and it’s scary
That is the legacy that I have to live with. Being a bad person seems like it’s hereditary. It’s like you think you’re heading North because you’ve got a compass telling you it’s North but a part of you knows no matter what, you’re always gonna end up going South.