I have decided to join Wattpad. I spent some time this evening setting it all up, delaying the inevitable event which is to actually write something. I don’t know what I am so afraid of. I wish I wasn’t like this. Being this way has held me back from so many missed opportunities in my life, but I can’t change how I feel about my writing. I am genuinely afraid to share my writing and I just don’t know why. I have felt this way all my life. So I thought that I would start where it all began, with my very first star wars fanfic. I originally put it on hold because I lost the inspiration to continue the story. But after reading some stories on Wattpad, I feel the spark in me reigniting once more, the need and the hunger I’ve always had to write is returning in a big way.

I mean I’ve made promises to do something with my writing before and I’ve always broken them for one reason or another. Probably because I’m a chicken shit, afraid of what people will say about my words, about me. My words are me. I can’t even put it into words how writing really makes me feel. When it flows and the inspiration is there, there is no feeling like it on earth. I want to recapture that passion and do what I feel I was born to do, to write. I hope I am making the right decision.

Here are a couple of entries from my first star wars fanfic. It is set before The Force Awakens where General Hux is like a poster boy for the First Order and Kylo Ren is a dark shadowy figure, hovering in the background of Hux’s bigger than life profile aboard the Finalizer. The story is told through the eyes of a new recruit via journal entries and experiences. She has caught Hux’s eye … and maybe more than that (teehee). It was originally intended for mature audiences and will eventually feature violence, sexual encounters and yeah, content for mature readers should I decide to continue writing it.

So – Read, if you dare…

Journal Entry 01

The thought of leaving the Academy is both frightening and exhilarating. All the hard work and sacrifice will finally be rewarded. It feels as though I’ve been training for this my whole life and to fail now would be simply unacceptable.

Lately, I’ve been thinking much darker thoughts. The training has taught me how to control and manipulate these thoughts but there are moments when I feel like falling into the abyss and letting go, never to surface again.

I think my mentor would be proud.

Journal Entry 02

The others … they just don’t see me and I’m doing everything I can.

Why don’t they see me?

They make me feel invisible.

The way they look at me. The disdain and disappointment… they’re not even trying to hide it anymore.

I’ve got to do something before I become a liability. The mentors will eventually choose the best of us. What if I’m not one of them? I can’t let that happen, I won’t let that happen.

I’d rather die than live with the shame of failure.

She’s the one – the Twi lek Reena. I just know that she’s behind it all. And what’s worse is she knows I know.

Ugh… just thinking about it makes me want to hurt something… bad.

I’ve tried everything, meditation only leads me to one solution – destroy the obstruction.

I’ve pictured my hands around her neck so many times. I’ve wondered how it would feel to crush her windpipe, to watch her struggle for every breath. I imagine her trying to speak as I did this, that perfect little mouth of hers twisting into nothing but a muted scream.

The thought of doing this to Reena excited me. To have that kind of power over someone’s life, the power to take that life and end it… I would do anything to possess it.

I would do everything…