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I pulled out of the recruitment process

I decided to stay for now. There are more reasons to stay here than I initially realised. I talked it over with loved ones and agreed it’s better to start looking again in the new year.

I am actually relieved. It kinda feels like I’ve let myself off the hook somehow. Am I weak for staying or strong? I’m going to turn this around somehow. My partner said that if anyone can find a silver lining in a shit cloud, it’s me.

Isn’t it funny that when people who really know you say good things, it feels like they’re talking about someone else. Why don’t I see in myself what he sees in me?

I actually don’t know.

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Dedicated to the real writer’s out there

Yesterday I called myself a “writer”. I realise now how bold that was. I’d like to say I’m dedicated, adventurous, interesting and maybe even a little talented, but I am none of those things. I visit blogs belonging to people who have thousands of followers. I don’t care what people say about “follower count” it IS important because it can reflect how interesting and engaging you are as both a writer and a person.

Are you engaged right now? Ha!

But seriously I think to be a writer, you must write every single day. There is no exception to this rule. I don’t do this but I’m trying to be the writer I envisioned becoming when I was seven.

Can I do it? Will I do it is the better question. A question I’ve been trying to answer for years.

I guess we’ll see.

A Password Changed My Life…

So I thought I’d borrow that nifty title from an article I read on Medium which I initially thought was all about Online Security but it was actually about a man who was in the middle of a huge life crisis and depression and felt like he had nowhere to turn. I think there is a part of my personality that wants to read about people who aren’t winning the race, people who are down and out. I don’t enjoy reading articles about people who are struggling with life, but I can’t not read them. I don’t even know why this is. So I finished the article and discovered that this guy used a password phrase that he had to use and reuse every day until he started believing in it. More to the point – he started believing in himself.

I used to think I believed in who I was. I used to have pride about who I was as a person and what I had achieved. But this year, I feel the opposite of that. Sure, there are worse things than losing a job you actually enjoy. I get that. I’m not trying to prove to the world that my plight is any worse than anyone else’s. But it’s MY plight, it’s my shitcan and I have to find my way out of it. And sharing it here with random strangers is actually helping me.

I’ve always been a writer. And I never really knew that until I decided to quit IT and become a writer focusing on the world of video gaming and entertainment. This was my happiest experience to date as a working adult. I felt like I was made to do that job. I really felt special about who I was and what I was doing with my life, like I had actually found my one true calling. People can spend their whole lives chasing that dream but I was actually making mine a reality. That was a big deal to me. Imagine having a job that never felt like a job, not even once. Yeah… that seems like such a long time ago. It makes me feel old and used and annoyed that I had everything and then just … didn’t.

Now I feel like I am back peddling to try and stop from completely failing at this race called life. I am surrounded by people from my past, all of them a lot more successful than I am. I feel completely and utterly useless and one of my colleagues in particular, likes to remind me of this without even knowing she’s doing it. That takes some skill, I tell ya. Even I couldn’t pull off being that good at being nasty.

So this article became another whiney, crap-filled cry for help that I wasn’t entirely happy about writing but there you go. And someone else’s blog post got me here. I was thinking about that article and now I am writing.

Life is such a rollercoaster. Problem is I kinda feel like I am the dumby who is paying for this ride while everyone else seems to be getting their rides for free. Sigh.

 

What is “fair?”

The answer to that question is “nothing”. It’s not fair that I had to leave a job I liked so someone who hates every minute of being in that job gets to stay. I’m sure there are multiple examples of “unfairness” happening all over the world but who’s going to put it right?

I guess that’s why people say that “it all comes down to you”. Well, just for once, I’d like not to have to stick my head in a vice and I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as “fair”. Either you win or you don’t.

I went for a job interview today

I haven’t had to go to a job interview for almost five years so I was a little rusty and a little nervous. I think I did OK but thinking about the job and what it is, it’s supporting both hardware and software which I kind of already do but probably not as focused on VoIP services as my current job is. It’s still an entry level position which I’m OK with because currently, I’m moving backwards, not forward so at this point, ANY job that is within my area of experise is literally a step forward.

They will get to second phase call-backs by the end of the week. If I get one, I’ll be happy but if I don’t, it won’t be the end of the world. I just wish I didn’t have to do this. I just wish the business I work for didn’t treat their loyal employees like crap.