So I wasn’t really planning on leaving here before Xmas. I decided I would wait because I pulled out of the last job recruitment process as it just didn’t feel right. That was because the job I wanted, they got back to me saying I was not inline with what they were offering in terms of dollars.

But they called me back and now I have an interview next week.

I am excited.

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I’m given a work queue to work on. I am supposed to be sharing it with another person in my team. I haven’t seen that person doing any work for three hours. What would you do in this situation? This is not a one-off thing. This is a daily occurrence and I am kinda over it 😐

I think the main reason why I like coming into work early is because I enjoy it when nobody is around. I like it when there are less people.

Sometimes people just annoy me.

I’ve been here before. I’ve had everything I could possibly need to go further in my career except the one thing that has always alluded me; faith in myself. I have the uncanny ability to actually feel like I could take on the world and be a loser all at the same time. I’ve never truly felt like I deserved something, even when I know I worked my ass off to get it. I hate that about myself. I don’t know why I try to sabotage my own future but I do. I suspect it’s got something to do with my Dad. He was the type of person that could never accept failure, not ever. So when he lived with us, growing up, I was never allowed to do anything but succeed. So everything I did seemed like it would never measure up to his standard. And I started believing this when I was a teenager and it still has sway over me today as an adult.

But I know what’s holding me back and I know what I have to do to move towards my goal but I’m so afraid of failing that I’ve accepted my lot and I’ve just become a huge chicken shit.

There is one thing that I didn’t plan on happening though and that was the whole restructure at work. Now that it has, I know that only I can change things, nobody else. If I want to let them beat me into believing I’ll never be better, I’ll become that person they think I am. And when I think about that I get so angry I just want to defy everyone to prove to myself that I can be whatever the hell I want to be.

And then I come back down to Earth and well, yeah, I don’t do anything about it. I knew how to chase my dreams once. All I need is to be that person again.