I feel so disconnected, I feel alienated, I feel weary and redundant

I want to scream but I don’t

I want to throw in the towel and let my father’s disapproval wash over me like rain

I want to cry but I’m too tired to even do that. This is an admission I am happy to make

So I can let it all go and get up and do the same thing all over again

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So this new team I am in has three people in it so far. The staff that were doing the digital tech-related emails have just stopped doing them altogether. This means that we are now becoming overwhelmed by the amount of work in this queue.

Today, I was the only one who showed up for work. I’ve been working on this queue all day and I’ve barely scratched the surface. For every email I do, three more come in. This is beyond stupid.

I cannot wait to turn my back on this place the same way it turned its back on me.

Forgive me dear readers (if any of you still read this, of course). I have been a very poor blogger of late (well, for the last 4 months) and whilst I’d like to list off a multitude of excuses why (some of them legit, I assure you), I just won’t. Suffice to say, change has made its way forcefully into my life once again and just how do I react to this change? Like a seasoned veteran, standing in the way of adversity with my head held high ready for whatever life may bring? Oh, noooooo haha not at all. Instead, I react like a newborn babe discovering that I can scream really really loudly if I do a certain thing with my throat and my mouth and my voice box.

If I could scream loudly, I would but my voice has never properly recovered from a very bad case of the flu I had a month or so back and well, yeah, that would suck so I won’t. Instead I take to the computer, turn it on, look over WordPress in one of the many tabs I have open in my browser and I cry my heart out in words. And sorry to say this but I think I’ll be doing this a lot more often.

So I’m not going to use this blog just for Star Wars. I am going to use this blog for anything I want or feel like saying, just like I am now. I don’t know why I was afraid to do that before. I guess I wanted to attract readers so badly, I was willing to silence that part of myself that desperately needed to be heard, even if I am only writing this for myself. I ask you, is that not what matters most?

I think so. In fact, I’m already feeling better just writing this little, wee bit of crap on my blog in the stratoshpere of “nobody really gives a damn” otherwise known as the internet. And somehow, I still feel better than I would have had I not blogged today.

So maybe tomorrow I’ll find out if I still have a day job… oh yeah, that is one of the things on my mind lately. Also, my mother who is disabled had a really bad fall this week and I was so worried about losing my job that I didn’t spend the day looking after her and dragged my ass to work instead. And now, I feel like the most horrible person on earth for doing that. BECAUSE IT’S NOT IMPORTANT. A job is just a job, family are family – family are all that matters and I acted like an idiot. And now I feel pretty bad again so I’m just going to like, stop now.

Hey everyone (assuming people still read this blog). I’ve been a long time away from posting here but it’s not without good reason. Almost a month or so ago something happened to me while I was playing SWTOR. Something inside me just broke. Ever since then, I haven’t been able to bring myself to play. I don’t know why it happened but it just did. So I took a breather from the fandom and today is the first time I’ve thought about creating more SW motion art in a while, which is why I haven’t posted here. I still update my IG but not as often as I used to. I am still on Pinterest and Twitter but in a reduced capacity. I’ve actually been pulled back into an old fandom of mine for the Karate Kid franchise and I’ve been hanging out mostly on Tumblr with other like-minded fans of the movie and the new YT Red show, Cobra Kai.

I can’t explain exactly how I feel about things. I am still trying to figure it all out but for now, I’ve decided to keep creating motion art because someone on IG sent me a really nice message and it’s helped to motivate me back into creating stuff.

So for anyone who still frequents this blog, this is for you, and thank-you for sticking with me, even though I’ve been a fairly crappy blogger of late.

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