Yesterday, I had a star wars micro meltdown

I don’t know if it was just the overwhelming day I had with all the star wars stuff and my over-excitement that caused it but I ended up on my bed after work crying uncontrollably. Today I am not at work, as you can probably guess. So the whole deal with star wars (if you haven’t already read about this) is my dad got me into star wars when I was a kid and I have never looked back. It was one of his passions and then became mine. So my link to the whole skywalker saga is a direct link to my dad. In my head, that is how I see it and in my heart, how I feel about it. So to admit that the whole saga is now coming to an end was a little too much for me, I think.

Even writing this I feel sad and I have tears. Yep, a grown woman crying about a fictional universe – pretty pathetic, right? I know there are other reasons which I’ll blog about on my writing blog becuase it relates directly to that. But I feel very alone and lost right now. And I miss my dad something awful…

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My first EVER post on this blog

I got this idea from one of my readers and thought it would be a neat thing to do. It has been a few years now and going through my past posts is like looking through a photo-diary of my life! It’s kinda strange and cool at the same time. To look at all the different things you blogged about, how your blogging changed as you did, how your blog died when you stopped loving it – it’s all there, warts and all.

My very first post was a diary entry for my fanfic (now on semi-permanent hiatus), so if it reads like a diary entry to you, that’s a good thing:

Journal Entry 01

The thought of leaving the Academy is both frightening and exhilarating. All the hard work and sacrifice will finally be rewarded. It feels as though I’ve been training for this my whole life and to fail now would be simply unacceptable.

Lately, I’ve been thinking much darker thoughts. The training has taught me how to control and manipulate these thoughts but there are moments when I feel like falling into the abyss and letting go, never to surface again.

I think my mentor would be proud.

It’s so weird to read it now and to think that I wanted this blog solely for my fanfic at the time. This blog has become so much more than I ever imagined it could, a place for my doubts, fears, obsessions, loves and hates, and most importantly, a home for my creative soul.

As much as I want to revisit my fanfic and my character XN2903, the thirst and hunger I had then to write have diminished and evolved into something else. Now my passion lies elsewhere. I feel like I have indeed come full circle as a writer and creative person since then. Even though I haven’t made huge leaps and bounds in any particular area, I’ve let my creativity change and evolve, which I think is almost as crucial as finishing what you start. Sometimes, you can’t finish things, you just can’t. And I think you have to give yourself a pat on the back every now and then for understanding when something has creatively run its course. I think it’s OK to stop and step back and wait for creativity to find you again. I believe this is the entire reason why I devote so much of myself to what I love because it’s so exciting to grow and change and stop and start again. I no longer look upon this as a failure. I see this process for what it is, and I accept it. Maybe I’m letting myself off the hook a bit too much? Possibly. But I can’t revisit something I no longer have passion for. How can you do this? If someone knows how, please tell me because I think I have been secretly trying to find a way to do this my entire life, not just with writing but with many things I’ve turned away from for one reason or another.

Just look how far you have come… and smile.

To write is to heal…

I started an “edit a day”, but then I decided that I what I really wanted to do was mix writing in with my art and photoshop tutorial reviews, and I feel pleased about that. I actually feel a lot happier than I’ve felt in a long time on a creative level. But I am going to use some of my time to write about my feelings because while I might write poetry and attempt to write short stories, almost all of it is based on fiction. As I mentioned in an earlier post, a lot of what I write mixes both fantasy and reality. I like to write this way because I find it a lot easier. I don’t know why I just do. I also need to vent since I’ve stopped blogging about work, it’s quite surprising how feelings can get really pent up inside when you’re not expressing them.

I never really use a lot of my writing time to actually write about what makes me the writer that I am or what burns deeply in my soul or what keeps me up at night. I am going to try and do this more often, but for now, I think I’ll write about my emotions whenever I feel the need and go from there.

WORDS7.pngThis topic was going to be part of a separate post, but I realised it’s something that really grinds my gears so I’m going to mention it briefly and then move on. So, bloggers who like to say “do this” or “do that, and if you follow in my footsteps, you’ll be just as successful”. I have a problem with these types of posts, and that is that I’ve tested this and found that this blogger didn’t live up to what they blogged about to their readers. So if you are the type of blogger that likes to dish out advice wrapped up in lies to gain followers, shame on you!

Okay, now that’s out of the way…

While reading about how to write flash fiction, I also came across multiple sites for writing six-word stories I think they’re called? The object obviously to write a story in six words. I’ve read some pretty amazing ones and some funny and weird ones too. So I might start doing one of these every now and then, again with the intent to challenge myself and improve.

 

 

Song Writing Prompt 01 – Evanescence “My Tourniquet”

I am throwing myself entirely into the writing prompt process after having read the pros and cons of using prompts from various websites online. I think I’ll try this for a bit and see how things go before I decide it’s a waste of time. It’s always best to give something a good go before writing something off entirely, right? (excuse the pun).

When writing poetry, I’ve always found it easier to do when I’m writing about sadness, loss, grief, pain, heartache or love. I don’t know why this is, all I know is that most of my poetry is formed from both real and fictional experiences. Nobody can know which is which of course, because it’s so much more mysterious that way!

I also write my poetry from a free and unhindered place, which means it’s not formal or in any particular style. My poetry comes straight from within, not necessarily from my heart alone, but the process works for me best when I can feel the words forming. I also do not write a lot of poetry. I haven’t written in years, in fact. This is the first time I’ve actually wanted to write a poem in such a long time. I know that this is partially because I feel safe about writing here. I feel inspired by my readers and feel more confident to write freely.

I tried to focus on the following words in the song to write the poem below. I have very little knowledge of whether my words and the song lyrics connect. I simply used the song’s momentum and let my imagination do the rest.

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If I say I see heaven in your eyes, will this lead to regret? Will you make me feel small?
Will you even be there, to catch me when I fall?

As wounds slowly become scars, this is how we live. When love ceases to exist, when there is nothing left to give

But I will still be here, I will never turn away. I’ll hold out my hand to you, through the storm, through the heartache, through the pain…

If I say I still see heaven, even as you walk away. Will you even remember me, or will you curse my name?

How I wish I were the one, strong enough to turn away. Now I am lost in the storm, crippled by the heartache, broken by the pain.

What could I write about today that my future self would benefit from reading?

This post is based on an idea I borrowed from another blog. I thought it was on Medium, but when I search for the article, a different one comes up in my search results. I wanted to credit the writer for giving me this idea as it’s a great one.

I don’t think I could make this a habit, but I think it would be fun to do every now and then. And there is something I really want to mention which is number one on my list:

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Background Credit Pixabay See Below

Today, I felt the fear of failure creeping up on me once again. I literally felt it come over me like it was something awful living inside that I had to hide from the rest of the world. When fear is something you can quantify, that’s not good because it means that some how you have made it into something more tangible, something more real. Fear is the killer of dreams. Fear chokes you until all the air is gone and all that’s left of you is a husk. I have felt different types of fear in my life, but the fear of failure always leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. It’s very distinctive. That’s how I can identify it.

But that isn’t where it ends because today, I pushed it back, all the way back to the dark, sad, lonely place it came from. And I felt elated.

Credit for the pretty floral watercolour background

Something with my writing

It seems I’m always trying to discipline myself into better habits. This is even more so with my writing. The problem is that most of the time my inspiration can come from just about anywhere, and it’s not always appropriate to whip out my phone and note something down or write something down on paper (I still do this sometimes!). This bugs me to no end. And when I manage to catch that “wave” of new inspiration, I’m either drowning in it and completely overwhelmed or barely getting my feet wet. Sometimes I feel like I just want to write, it might not make sense, it’s just my thoughts that come together and might amount to something great or nothing at all. But the words deserve to live beyond the life I give them. And if I don’t take these chances and write, I start to feel like I’m letting myself down.

Does anyone else feel like this with their writing? An example is when I am at work, for instance, there could be 10 different things I want to say all at once because something has triggered me or inspired me or enlightened me. But I can’t because I’m at work and I already feel like everyone is watching what I do. And herein lies the problem. I feel like my creative self is trying to tell me something. I am actually experiencing one of the most creative periods of my life right now – I’m writing almost every day, I’m creating things in photoshop, I’m learning new skills. This is an excellent time for me to spread my creative “wings”. Yet, I still feel like an under-achiever, like the kid who always strived to get an A but had to settle for B+. I don’t want to be that person.

WORDS1.pngI’m also not the kind of writer that has the end goal of publishing a book. I’ve never really wanted to write a book. I like to write short stories, but I’ve never aspired to be an author of a book. I completely understand why a lot of writers do strive to achieve this goal, and it’s a very worthy goal. There is everything right with wanting to write like the authors you’ve grown up with. Yet somehow, I feel like maybe I should feel this way about writing, and I should consider writing a book or even self-publishing. But it’s not really in my heart.

I feel really strange right now. I don’t know what I really want to say, I’m just letting my fingers tap along on the keyboard. There is one thing that I am going to do this weekend though, and that is to connect an old hard drive I stored away that has all of my early poetry on it. I don’t know why I didn’t copy it over to my new disk, I think I just forgot to. But I think I’m inspired enough to write poetry again. Don’t know if I am gutsy enough to reveal any of it here, but I just want to sit with it for a while and see where it takes me.

Do you have a personal mantra that you try to follow?

I blogged about having a personal “mantra” last month as part of a discussion I was actually having with myself on what I want to do and where I want to go in my life.

No joke, those questions are probably some of the hardest questions I’ve ever had to answer, and I don’t think I’ve been able to answer them yet – I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to really. I have a rough idea of what I want to do, but it hasn’t been an easy road, and it’ll only get more challenging before I’m in a place where I will feel good about myself.

As I was reading, I came across the above phrase, which was actually pretty close to what I think I was trying to express. Although, if you had asked me that same question six years ago, I would have had a very different answer.

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Is’nt it funny how time can change your entire perspective on life and even your own opinion of yourself and your values. I know mine have taken a drastic turn. I am usually the type of person that had never doubted where I was going or what I was going to do when I got there. Today, I am not as confident of either of those things.

What about you? Have you ever had an experience in your life so profound that it changed your outlook or your views on life entirely? I suppose that sounds kind of dramatic, but it really isn’t. I don’t believe you can really go through life without hitting significant obstacles in the road. Have you ever had one of these and if so, what did you do to get over that obstacle? Do you live by a specific “code” or mantra or something similar that you aspire to?

I’ve been thinking about this website and the reason I started it in the first place. And I see this website as a canvas of sorts, an artwork that is ever-changing and evolving as I do. That said, there is a part of me that is holding onto the writer within, the teenager that wrote and wrote until her hand went numb, the freelance journalist that never thought she could get a byline and that person is waiting for a chance to shine again.

So along with my other creative endeavours, I want to write more. I need to feed that monster clawing under my skin.