The training on board the Finalizer is brutal and exhausting. But I like seeing the bruises on my body. Bruises mean progress and that’s why I’m here.
I saw General Hux talking to one of his crew the other day. I tried not to stare but it’s so difficult not to. I’ve heard other cadets talking about him like he’s some sort of poster boy for the First Order. I think that’s ridiculous. When I look at him I see a man who understands his destiny, a man who will die for the cause, a man who gives his all to The First Order.
Even though the thought had crossed my mind, ultimately I believe there would never be room in his life for anyone.
Our recruit group was now seven down from 10. Two members of the group had left (that’s what we were told) and one other, Reena was missing. After Reena’s disappearance, dynamics within the group shifted dramatically. People whom I had once considered hostile were now quite amiable. Everyone else seemed to be getting along and there was a lot less tension in the air. Everyone seemed happier… well, everyone but me.
It felt almost hypocritical to feel unsatisfied after admitting how things were at the beginning. Everything I wanted at the Academy seemed to be going my way – recruits were friendlier, I had passed every test with flying colours and my future looked to be on track for the very first time.
But something wasn’t quite right.
Reena’s disappearance was making me feel even more vulnerable. As I looked around the room, everyone seemed to be both innocent and guilty. It could have been any one of the other recruits. The fact that someone else had exactly the same agenda as I did… it just doesn’t sit right with me.
The alternative made me feel even more insecure. Could someone be reading my thoughts? It wouldn’t surprise me if a force sensitive within the group was assigned to read our thoughts and report back to our mentors. Nobody would know until it was too late. I’ve never heard of anyone being able to unthink something or erase a thought.
I needed to keep my confidence up for just a little while longer. The last thing I needed right now was to bring unwanted attention to myself. I need to focus all my energy on what lay ahead.