Have you ever stopped to think about the legacy of your parents, what they are leaving behind in you? I have actually thought about this often over the years, particularly when something happens in my life that I can’t explain or excuse in some way.

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I’ve been here before. I’ve had everything I could possibly need to go further in my career except the one thing that has always alluded me; faith in myself. I have the uncanny ability to actually feel like I could take on the world and be a loser all at the same time. I’ve never truly felt like I deserved something, even when I know I worked my ass off to get it. I hate that about myself. I don’t know why I try to sabotage my own future but I do. I suspect it’s got something to do with my Dad. He was the type of person that could never accept failure, not ever. So when he lived with us, growing up, I was never allowed to do anything but succeed. So everything I did seemed like it would never measure up to his standard. And I started believing this when I was a teenager and it still has sway over me today as an adult.

But I know what’s holding me back and I know what I have to do to move towards my goal but I’m so afraid of failing that I’ve accepted my lot and I’ve just become a huge chicken shit.

There is one thing that I didn’t plan on happening though and that was the whole restructure at work. Now that it has, I know that only I can change things, nobody else. If I want to let them beat me into believing I’ll never be better, I’ll become that person they think I am. And when I think about that I get so angry I just want to defy everyone to prove to myself that I can be whatever the hell I want to be.

And then I come back down to Earth and well, yeah, I don’t do anything about it. I knew how to chase my dreams once. All I need is to be that person again.

I decided to stay for now. There are more reasons to stay here than I initially realised. I talked it over with loved ones and agreed it’s better to start looking again in the new year.

I am actually relieved. It kinda feels like I’ve let myself off the hook somehow. Am I weak for staying or strong? I’m going to turn this around somehow. My partner said that if anyone can find a silver lining in a shit cloud, it’s me.

Isn’t it funny that when people who really know you say good things, it feels like they’re talking about someone else. Why don’t I see in myself what he sees in me?

I actually don’t know.

Yesterday I called myself a “writer”. I realise now how bold that was. I’d like to say I’m dedicated, adventurous, interesting and maybe even a little talented, but I am none of those things. I visit blogs belonging to people who have thousands of followers. I don’t care what people say about “follower count” it IS important because it can reflect how interesting and engaging you are as both a writer and a person.

Are you engaged right now? Ha!

But seriously I think to be a writer, you must write every single day. There is no exception to this rule. I don’t do this but I’m trying to be the writer I envisioned becoming when I was seven.

Can I do it? Will I do it is the better question. A question I’ve been trying to answer for years.

I guess we’ll see.