My first EVER post on this blog

I got this idea from one of my readers and thought it would be a neat thing to do. It has been a few years now and going through my past posts is like looking through a photo-diary of my life! It’s kinda strange and cool at the same time. To look at all the different things you blogged about, how your blogging changed as you did, how your blog died when you stopped loving it – it’s all there, warts and all.

My very first post was a diary entry for my fanfic (now on semi-permanent hiatus), so if it reads like a diary entry to you, that’s a good thing:

Journal Entry 01

The thought of leaving the Academy is both frightening and exhilarating. All the hard work and sacrifice will finally be rewarded. It feels as though I’ve been training for this my whole life and to fail now would be simply unacceptable.

Lately, I’ve been thinking much darker thoughts. The training has taught me how to control and manipulate these thoughts but there are moments when I feel like falling into the abyss and letting go, never to surface again.

I think my mentor would be proud.

It’s so weird to read it now and to think that I wanted this blog solely for my fanfic at the time. This blog has become so much more than I ever imagined it could, a place for my doubts, fears, obsessions, loves and hates, and most importantly, a home for my creative soul.

As much as I want to revisit my fanfic and my character XN2903, the thirst and hunger I had then to write have diminished and evolved into something else. Now my passion lies elsewhere. I feel like I have indeed come full circle as a writer and creative person since then. Even though I haven’t made huge leaps and bounds in any particular area, I’ve let my creativity change and evolve, which I think is almost as crucial as finishing what you start. Sometimes, you can’t finish things, you just can’t. And I think you have to give yourself a pat on the back every now and then for understanding when something has creatively run its course. I think it’s OK to stop and step back and wait for creativity to find you again. I believe this is the entire reason why I devote so much of myself to what I love because it’s so exciting to grow and change and stop and start again. I no longer look upon this as a failure. I see this process for what it is, and I accept it. Maybe I’m letting myself off the hook a bit too much? Possibly. But I can’t revisit something I no longer have passion for. How can you do this? If someone knows how, please tell me because I think I have been secretly trying to find a way to do this my entire life, not just with writing but with many things I’ve turned away from for one reason or another.

Just look how far you have come… and smile.

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What’s your ugly?

I was thinking about this the other day, carrying on from my previous post about fear. While I wouldn’t call fear “ugly”, it’s certainly close to something we don’t want in our lives. Although I would argue that some people enjoy feeling certain types of fear. And without fear, we would never be able to challenge ourselves and push outside our comfort zones. Without fear, we could never grow.

So with that in mind, I guess fear isn’t entirely something we want to hide or suppress unless it causes us harm. But what about the other uglier sides to your personality? Everyone has them, at least one trait they wished they didn’t have. For some people, it’s being too overbearing or controlling. For others, it might be jealousy or pride.

It’s not easy to write about this. Nobody really wants their uglier sides to be known. But without acknowledging the part or parts of ourselves that we don’t like, we are not entirely whole. You could also say that for every ugly trait, there are five good ones so it balances out.

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My uglier trait is being selfish. I am, at times, a very selfish person. And I hate this about myself. It’s something I’ve tried to deny. It’s something that I’ve thought about in great depth. It’s something that I try to work on. And I even remember feeling this way as a child, so it’s something that has been with me a very long time. And I don’t know why or how it became my ugliness. Perhaps its something that grew inside me as a coping or survival mechanism. I just don’t know where it came from.

Do you have that one thing you just don’t like about yourself? I think the sooner you can acknowledge it and bring it into the light, the sooner you can learn to improve and become a better person.

So, what’s your ugly?

What could I write about today that my future self would benefit from reading?

This post is based on an idea I borrowed from another blog. I thought it was on Medium, but when I search for the article, a different one comes up in my search results. I wanted to credit the writer for giving me this idea as it’s a great one.

I don’t think I could make this a habit, but I think it would be fun to do every now and then. And there is something I really want to mention which is number one on my list:

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Background Credit Pixabay See Below

Today, I felt the fear of failure creeping up on me once again. I literally felt it come over me like it was something awful living inside that I had to hide from the rest of the world. When fear is something you can quantify, that’s not good because it means that some how you have made it into something more tangible, something more real. Fear is the killer of dreams. Fear chokes you until all the air is gone and all that’s left of you is a husk. I have felt different types of fear in my life, but the fear of failure always leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. It’s very distinctive. That’s how I can identify it.

But that isn’t where it ends because today, I pushed it back, all the way back to the dark, sad, lonely place it came from. And I felt elated.

Credit for the pretty floral watercolour background

Something with my writing

It seems I’m always trying to discipline myself into better habits. This is even more so with my writing. The problem is that most of the time my inspiration can come from just about anywhere, and it’s not always appropriate to whip out my phone and note something down or write something down on paper (I still do this sometimes!). This bugs me to no end. And when I manage to catch that “wave” of new inspiration, I’m either drowning in it and completely overwhelmed or barely getting my feet wet. Sometimes I feel like I just want to write, it might not make sense, it’s just my thoughts that come together and might amount to something great or nothing at all. But the words deserve to live beyond the life I give them. And if I don’t take these chances and write, I start to feel like I’m letting myself down.

Does anyone else feel like this with their writing? An example is when I am at work, for instance, there could be 10 different things I want to say all at once because something has triggered me or inspired me or enlightened me. But I can’t because I’m at work and I already feel like everyone is watching what I do. And herein lies the problem. I feel like my creative self is trying to tell me something. I am actually experiencing one of the most creative periods of my life right now – I’m writing almost every day, I’m creating things in photoshop, I’m learning new skills. This is an excellent time for me to spread my creative “wings”. Yet, I still feel like an under-achiever, like the kid who always strived to get an A but had to settle for B+. I don’t want to be that person.

WORDS1.pngI’m also not the kind of writer that has the end goal of publishing a book. I’ve never really wanted to write a book. I like to write short stories, but I’ve never aspired to be an author of a book. I completely understand why a lot of writers do strive to achieve this goal, and it’s a very worthy goal. There is everything right with wanting to write like the authors you’ve grown up with. Yet somehow, I feel like maybe I should feel this way about writing, and I should consider writing a book or even self-publishing. But it’s not really in my heart.

I feel really strange right now. I don’t know what I really want to say, I’m just letting my fingers tap along on the keyboard. There is one thing that I am going to do this weekend though, and that is to connect an old hard drive I stored away that has all of my early poetry on it. I don’t know why I didn’t copy it over to my new disk, I think I just forgot to. But I think I’m inspired enough to write poetry again. Don’t know if I am gutsy enough to reveal any of it here, but I just want to sit with it for a while and see where it takes me.

Do you have a personal mantra that you try to follow?

I blogged about having a personal “mantra” last month as part of a discussion I was actually having with myself on what I want to do and where I want to go in my life.

No joke, those questions are probably some of the hardest questions I’ve ever had to answer, and I don’t think I’ve been able to answer them yet – I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to really. I have a rough idea of what I want to do, but it hasn’t been an easy road, and it’ll only get more challenging before I’m in a place where I will feel good about myself.

As I was reading, I came across the above phrase, which was actually pretty close to what I think I was trying to express. Although, if you had asked me that same question six years ago, I would have had a very different answer.

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Is’nt it funny how time can change your entire perspective on life and even your own opinion of yourself and your values. I know mine have taken a drastic turn. I am usually the type of person that had never doubted where I was going or what I was going to do when I got there. Today, I am not as confident of either of those things.

What about you? Have you ever had an experience in your life so profound that it changed your outlook or your views on life entirely? I suppose that sounds kind of dramatic, but it really isn’t. I don’t believe you can really go through life without hitting significant obstacles in the road. Have you ever had one of these and if so, what did you do to get over that obstacle? Do you live by a specific “code” or mantra or something similar that you aspire to?

I’ve been thinking about this website and the reason I started it in the first place. And I see this website as a canvas of sorts, an artwork that is ever-changing and evolving as I do. That said, there is a part of me that is holding onto the writer within, the teenager that wrote and wrote until her hand went numb, the freelance journalist that never thought she could get a byline and that person is waiting for a chance to shine again.

So along with my other creative endeavours, I want to write more. I need to feed that monster clawing under my skin.

Frustrations! I changed my mind about the next tutorial because…

I was really frustrated because I didn’t feel like working in Illustrator today when I got home, and then I mucked around for an hour on Pinterest and suddenly decided I wanted to make something!

When I finally found a tutorial I wanted to do, the stupid “assets” used to create the image I wanted weren’t free stock photos and sorry but I’m not paying for random stock photos I’ll probably never use again.

So what did I learn from this experience? 1. Don’t waste time if you’re supposed to be creating something, create. 2. Don’t rely on assets in tutorials (which I should have learned from my nightmarish experience on this tutorial and 3. Half your time is spent looking for assets (which shouldn’t take all that long but I’m fussy and particular).

I ended up not doing anything at all because the tutorial was specific to the image and I couldn’t find another image that was close enough to use…

I feel like I need to rage lol… and I won’t be making anything today. So I am going to go and watch a movie that’ll hopefully help to forget that I just broke my “edit a day” promise to myself 😞

But here is one of the earliest animations I did when I first started showcasing them on my blog – and it’s still one of my favourite Star Wars animations. This makes me feel a little better…

VADER 01 (450px, 25fps)

I’m at work on a public holiday

In my country today is a public holiday (Queens birthday) and I had to work today because two of my teammates wanted time off. I don’t really mind it just means my partner is bored out of his mind at home 😂

I do have some work related news, even though I did say I wouldn’t talk about work publicly. What I will say is that tables are turning, management has changed and may still be changing and this is great news.

That’s all I can say for now. I hope you’re enjoying your day off or your weekend. I’ll be back tonight with another edit for Edit A Day.

Thanks for reading!