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The agony of Imposter Syndrome

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Image by StockSnap from Pixabay
Everyone has to start somewhere, right? To get from point A to point B, you have to work at it, and this can be about almost anything we do. What I find is a lot of people, myself included, don’t take the time to appreciate our humble beginnings. We get too caught up in the routine of trying to progress. We never take the time to look back and enjoy ourselves or our efforts or struggles.
I have always tried to be the type of person that looks at the glass half-full. But somehow, I sabotage myself and end up with the glass-half-empty instead. I’ve been reading about “Imposter Syndrome” and how this can impact your everyday life. I have to say that one of the comments that @cozyfancorner left for me yesterday kind of struck a chord. I wasn’t feeling the best; I haven’t felt my best for the last month or so. I haven’t been writing or doing any of the things I want to do because I don’t feel motivated. Then I look at the progress of other people I follow and feel even more annoyed at myself for not achieving more. I don’t know why I am like this, but reading about imposter syndrome resonated with me. No matter what I do, it will never amount to anything or that I am never going to be good enough to achieve the things I want to.
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Clip via Giphy
If I am doing okay in some things but not so well in others, that doesn’t mean I am a failure. It takes effort from me to not think that way about myself. I don’t always feel like this, but now and then, it happens. I never know when it will happen; it comes out of nowhere. And then nothing I do makes any sense, none of the things I usually enjoy doing has meaning. I am confused and lost within myself. I don’t often feel alone or lonely, but when I get into this mindset, I am very much alone, and nobody can help me with this. I have suffered from depression before, and I know that this feels like depression. And I also know it can become all-consuming if you don’t or can’t get help with it.
Reading the feedback that I received yesterday, if I were to give up this blog, I would lose a lot of what keeps me going. I would lose my connection to the tiny group of people that I admire and appreciate. I may not have thousands of bloggers following me, but I have enough. They are the exact type of people I want to include in my life, even if I don’t know them all that well. With their support, I have something more important than achievement; I have self-worth. I can keep doing this because if they can see good things in me, it means I am actually growing as a person. And in turn, this will help me to overcome the overwhelming sense of failure that seems to follow me around. So here’s to getting from point A to point B. Sometimes, that’s a whole lot. Sometimes, that’s enough.

 

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I am thinking of abandoning this blog…

This blog has been a special place for me to blog about life in general and, of course, about Star Wars. But I haven’t been updating the blog as often as I’d like and that’s mostly because I just don’t feel this blog is going anywhere. I suppose I’ve lost direction. My other social media accounts are all doing relatively well, but my blog has always struggled. I have come to face some hard facts about myself as a result.

Maybe I am not as good at writing as I thought? Perhaps my animation isn’t really all that entertaining. Maybe I am actually quite a boring person, so why would I expect anyone to follow me? Maybe people just don’t care all that much.

As hurtful as these things are to admit, I think that perhaps they are right. Am I defeatist in feeling this way? I don’t think so. I compare my blog every now and then to other people who haven’t been blogging as long as I have, and they are all doing much better than I am with their communities. And some of them don’t blog every day and don’t do blog guest posts or any of those things I see a lot of bloggers doing.

When I created this blog, I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with it. I knew that I wanted a space for my writing, I guess, but I never imagined I would even be good enough to animate something or create something. It seems those skills are not really what WordPress readers care about? I don’t really know. People say “just blog for yourself, don’t worry about the follower count,” but blogging for myself just seems so aimless and probably just another waste of someone else’s time.

Perhaps I just spread myself too thin with all the other commitments I have and I have lost the will to blog here. If I can think of a reason why I feel this way I think it’s probably to do with Star Wars in general and the fandom. I just don’t really feel it any more.

The one thing I still want to do, however, is pursuing the goals I set out to pursue mentioned in an earlier blog post.

I guess I have some soul searching to do…

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The fandom meltdown after The Rise of Skywalker

I am speaking of my fellow fans, not of myself. Knowing that I probably couldn’t take seeing the movie without knowing the end, I read spoilers, and I am actually so happy that I did. I don’t think I would have been in a very good way if I hadn’t. I feel a lot more prepared for the ending of the Skywalker saga than I expected and that’s a big deal.

But I do feel bad for my fellow fans – especially the fans that haven’t seen it yet and are accidentally coming across spoilers from people who are mean and don’t care about their fellow fans. Those people are just horrible, spoiling it on purpose. I keep reading about fans having anxiety attacks on Tumblr, and I am just beside myself. It wasn’t the movie that a lot of the fans expected.

On the bright side, I did see some really nice “first impression” posts on Twitter that were spoiler-free, and a lot of people out there think extremely good things of the film and how JJ went about ending the saga. So there is always going to be fans that will love it and fans that just won’t. This is another reason why I never try to ship anyone or side with any subgroup within a fandom. I just don’t think it’s healthy to crave for something only to be disappointed. Some people get extremely invested in these fictional characters and the pain and disappointment they feel are overwhelming. It’s a little concerning when you see posts about people breaking down, crying for hours and feeling lost and in despair.

I totally understand, and I wish I could just put my arms around the entire fandom right now. I suspect I’ll have a lot more to say tomorrow when I’ve seen the film, and I’ve had some time to think about it. Because it’s such a long film, there will be a lot to take in.

Let me know how you’re planning to watch The Rise of Skywalker or your thoughts on the fandom right now. I’d love to hear what you think.

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The State of the Star Wars fandom 2019

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I’ve seen a lot of stuff that I don’t agree with on social media lately, more so than usual and I just can’t let it slide. I don’t begrudge a person their own choices and what they do or don’t support / ship or otherwise in any fandom, but it annoys me when people start being mean and ugly about it.

I know people get angry because let’s face it, Star Wars is serious business to a lot of people, including myself, but I didn’t sign up for pettiness or hate or flame-wars or trolling. And yes, you can block people, but you can’t block an entire fandom, and that’s pretty much how things are right now.

As an example, the hate going around about John Boyega. Here’s a little tidbit, I don’t actually like John Boyega all that much, and I’ve never liked Finn – yes, it’s true! But the stuff people are saying about him because he decided to take a stand and voice his true feelings about The Last Jedi is just wrong. You don’t get to stan someone one day and then rip them apart on social media the next just because they disagree with your views on Star Wars. He’s allowed to say what he wants, just as you are but hate him because he did? Wow, such a fickle bunch you are.

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Just remember that being famous doesn’t make you any less human. When a celebrity looks in the mirror, they see the same thing you do, a person, a human being, someone with feelings and thoughts all their own. How about you start acting like a decent human being who also has feelings and ideas and treat him and anyone else the same way you would want to be treated yourself! Also, what would your parents say about your hatred and vitriol? Nothing good, I expect.

I know my father would be turning in his grave right about now at all the bullshit that goes on in the Star Wars fandom today. The landscape has changed with social media and new technology and all that but seriously, when and why did people forget to be nice?

You guys hurt me, you really, really do.

/rant off

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My first EVER post on this blog

I got this idea from one of my readers and thought it would be a neat thing to do. It has been a few years now and going through my past posts is like looking through a photo-diary of my life! It’s kinda strange and cool at the same time. To look at all the different things you blogged about, how your blogging changed as you did, how your blog died when you stopped loving it – it’s all there, warts and all.

My very first post was a diary entry for my fanfic (now on semi-permanent hiatus), so if it reads like a diary entry to you, that’s a good thing:

Journal Entry 01

The thought of leaving the Academy is both frightening and exhilarating. All the hard work and sacrifice will finally be rewarded. It feels as though I’ve been training for this my whole life and to fail now would be simply unacceptable.

Lately, I’ve been thinking much darker thoughts. The training has taught me how to control and manipulate these thoughts but there are moments when I feel like falling into the abyss and letting go, never to surface again.

I think my mentor would be proud.

It’s so weird to read it now and to think that I wanted this blog solely for my fanfic at the time. This blog has become so much more than I ever imagined it could, a place for my doubts, fears, obsessions, loves and hates, and most importantly, a home for my creative soul.

As much as I want to revisit my fanfic and my character XN2903, the thirst and hunger I had then to write have diminished and evolved into something else. Now my passion lies elsewhere. I feel like I have indeed come full circle as a writer and creative person since then. Even though I haven’t made huge leaps and bounds in any particular area, I’ve let my creativity change and evolve, which I think is almost as crucial as finishing what you start. Sometimes, you can’t finish things, you just can’t. And I think you have to give yourself a pat on the back every now and then for understanding when something has creatively run its course. I think it’s OK to stop and step back and wait for creativity to find you again. I believe this is the entire reason why I devote so much of myself to what I love because it’s so exciting to grow and change and stop and start again. I no longer look upon this as a failure. I see this process for what it is, and I accept it. Maybe I’m letting myself off the hook a bit too much? Possibly. But I can’t revisit something I no longer have passion for. How can you do this? If someone knows how, please tell me because I think I have been secretly trying to find a way to do this my entire life, not just with writing but with many things I’ve turned away from for one reason or another.

Just look how far you have come… and smile.

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What’s your ugly?

I was thinking about this the other day, carrying on from my previous post about fear. While I wouldn’t call fear “ugly”, it’s certainly close to something we don’t want in our lives. Although I would argue that some people enjoy feeling certain types of fear. And without fear, we would never be able to challenge ourselves and push outside our comfort zones. Without fear, we could never grow.

So with that in mind, I guess fear isn’t entirely something we want to hide or suppress unless it causes us harm. But what about the other uglier sides to your personality? Everyone has them, at least one trait they wished they didn’t have. For some people, it’s being too overbearing or controlling. For others, it might be jealousy or pride.

It’s not easy to write about this. Nobody really wants their uglier sides to be known. But without acknowledging the part or parts of ourselves that we don’t like, we are not entirely whole. You could also say that for every ugly trait, there are five good ones so it balances out.

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My uglier trait is being selfish. I am, at times, a very selfish person. And I hate this about myself. It’s something I’ve tried to deny. It’s something that I’ve thought about in great depth. It’s something that I try to work on. And I even remember feeling this way as a child, so it’s something that has been with me a very long time. And I don’t know why or how it became my ugliness. Perhaps its something that grew inside me as a coping or survival mechanism. I just don’t know where it came from.

Do you have that one thing you just don’t like about yourself? I think the sooner you can acknowledge it and bring it into the light, the sooner you can learn to improve and become a better person.

So, what’s your ugly?

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What could I write about today that my future self would benefit from reading?

This post is based on an idea I borrowed from another blog. I thought it was on Medium, but when I search for the article, a different one comes up in my search results. I wanted to credit the writer for giving me this idea as it’s a great one.

I don’t think I could make this a habit, but I think it would be fun to do every now and then. And there is something I really want to mention which is number one on my list:

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Background Credit Pixabay See Below

Today, I felt the fear of failure creeping up on me once again. I literally felt it come over me like it was something awful living inside that I had to hide from the rest of the world. When fear is something you can quantify, that’s not good because it means that some how you have made it into something more tangible, something more real. Fear is the killer of dreams. Fear chokes you until all the air is gone and all that’s left of you is a husk. I have felt different types of fear in my life, but the fear of failure always leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. It’s very distinctive. That’s how I can identify it.

But that isn’t where it ends because today, I pushed it back, all the way back to the dark, sad, lonely place it came from. And I felt elated.

Credit for the pretty floral watercolour background