I just realised…

Social Media has this absolutely overwhelming ability to make you feel utterly and completely empty.

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Own your faults, because nobody else will!

So this week has been pretty shitty so far. When I say “so far” I mean it’s just awful to begin your week being told that you’re being moved “sideways” in the business. You know when your manager is pretty much telling you that out of a team of 12 people, you and four others were the weakest links, it’s enough to just tip you over the edge and say “fuck this world and everyone in it”.

But then I think, no, I know I’m made of sterner stuff than this. I cried at first but that’s only because the pure shock of the words being uttered to me made me tear up. I am also a little bit (probably a lot more than a little bit) of a baby but then again, there are worse things a person can do than let out some emotion and cry like, oh I dunno, setting fire to the building maybe? So yeah, I think tears at this particular time were actually OK. I still apologised for it because I felt quite weak and vulnerable.

And it’s been a day since then. My manager let me go home for the rest of the day and due to the stress, of course, I got a migraine last night and well, I just didn’t feel very good at all, both physically and emotionally. So I skipped work today. Would anyone blame me? More importantly, if they did, would I care?

And this is what brings me to the nuts and bolts of this post which is all about looking at yourself with unbiased eyes, picking out what you believe are your core values and then re-assessing them. I’m getting to the point in my life where I’m just over the bullshit office politics seems to bring with it. Yesterday, I cared that someone in the management team maybe thought I was shit at my job. Yesterday, I cared about what other people in the company would think of me if I got put into a different team. Yesterday, I gave a whole lot of fucks about things I’ve come to realise aren’t worth the effort or the time.

So I’m writing about it as you do when you’ve got nobody else to tell. I’ve already exhausted my partner to death about what’s going on and the “friends” at work I thought I had I’m not sure of any more. Perhaps a couple of them knew what was coming and they purposefully chose not to tell me or worse, to lie to me about it, therefore removing all responsibility for the fallout to come. I guess I don’t blame them but then again, why shouldn’t I? Doesn’t loyalty mean anything any more? Well to me, it’s pretty damn important. This is one core value I think is good for me to have. But some of the metrics I have been measuring myself by are beginning to do more harm than good to me and mine. And it’s time I changed them.

This morning I wrote a draft letter to my management team about what I would like to see happen IF I accept the role they’ve offered me. There is definitely room for negotiation because my manager told me straight up “I’ve been told by the big boss *name omitted for reasons* to do whatever I can to retain you”. At first, this meant very little to me. But after a restless night of lapsing in and out of a very deep dream state and er, something else, I woke up today feeling like I needed to accept what was happening and make it WORK for me the best way I could.

I’m here, and I’m alive and I’ve got so much to offer even if some of these idiots don’t see it right now. So I’m going to push the bar a little and see what I get back. I DO need to prove to the business I am worthy of keeping (they could have made me take redundancy but they didn’t). So I know that someone somewhere is still batting for me. I need to show that person or persons why because clearly I haven’t been doing that lately.

To be continued, thanks for reading.

Changes are afoot…

Forgive me dear readers (if any of you still read this, of course). I have been a very poor blogger of late (well, for the last 4 months) and whilst I’d like to list off a multitude of excuses why (some of them legit, I assure you), I just won’t. Suffice to say, change has made its way forcefully into my life once again and just how do I react to this change? Like a seasoned veteran, standing in the way of adversity with my head held high ready for whatever life may bring? Oh, noooooo haha not at all. Instead, I react like a newborn babe discovering that I can scream really really loudly if I do a certain thing with my throat and my mouth and my voice box.

If I could scream loudly, I would but my voice has never properly recovered from a very bad case of the flu I had a month or so back and well, yeah, that would suck so I won’t. Instead I take to the computer, turn it on, look over WordPress in one of the many tabs I have open in my browser and I cry my heart out in words. And sorry to say this but I think I’ll be doing this a lot more often.

So I’m not going to use this blog just for Star Wars. I am going to use this blog for anything I want or feel like saying, just like I am now. I don’t know why I was afraid to do that before. I guess I wanted to attract readers so badly, I was willing to silence that part of myself that desperately needed to be heard, even if I am only writing this for myself. I ask you, is that not what matters most?

I think so. In fact, I’m already feeling better just writing this little, wee bit of crap on my blog in the stratoshpere of “nobody really gives a damn” otherwise known as the internet. And somehow, I still feel better than I would have had I not blogged today.

So maybe tomorrow I’ll find out if I still have a day job… oh yeah, that is one of the things on my mind lately. Also, my mother who is disabled had a really bad fall this week and I was so worried about losing my job that I didn’t spend the day looking after her and dragged my ass to work instead. And now, I feel like the most horrible person on earth for doing that. BECAUSE IT’S NOT IMPORTANT. A job is just a job, family are family – family are all that matters and I acted like an idiot. And now I feel pretty bad again so I’m just going to like, stop now.