The agony of Imposter Syndrome

Agony
Image by StockSnap from Pixabay
Everyone has to start somewhere, right? To get from point A to point B, you have to work at it, and this can be about almost anything we do. What I find is a lot of people, myself included, don’t take the time to appreciate our humble beginnings. We get too caught up in the routine of trying to progress. We never take the time to look back and enjoy ourselves or our efforts or struggles.
I have always tried to be the type of person that looks at the glass half-full. But somehow, I sabotage myself and end up with the glass-half-empty instead. I’ve been reading about “Imposter Syndrome” and how this can impact your everyday life. I have to say that one of the comments that @cozyfancorner left for me yesterday kind of struck a chord. I wasn’t feeling the best; I haven’t felt my best for the last month or so. I haven’t been writing or doing any of the things I want to do because I don’t feel motivated. Then I look at the progress of other people I follow and feel even more annoyed at myself for not achieving more. I don’t know why I am like this, but reading about imposter syndrome resonated with me. No matter what I do, it will never amount to anything or that I am never going to be good enough to achieve the things I want to.
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Clip via Giphy
If I am doing okay in some things but not so well in others, that doesn’t mean I am a failure. It takes effort from me to not think that way about myself. I don’t always feel like this, but now and then, it happens. I never know when it will happen; it comes out of nowhere. And then nothing I do makes any sense, none of the things I usually enjoy doing has meaning. I am confused and lost within myself. I don’t often feel alone or lonely, but when I get into this mindset, I am very much alone, and nobody can help me with this. I have suffered from depression before, and I know that this feels like depression. And I also know it can become all-consuming if you don’t or can’t get help with it.
Reading the feedback that I received yesterday, if I were to give up this blog, I would lose a lot of what keeps me going. I would lose my connection to the tiny group of people that I admire and appreciate. I may not have thousands of bloggers following me, but I have enough. They are the exact type of people I want to include in my life, even if I don’t know them all that well. With their support, I have something more important than achievement; I have self-worth. I can keep doing this because if they can see good things in me, it means I am actually growing as a person. And in turn, this will help me to overcome the overwhelming sense of failure that seems to follow me around. So here’s to getting from point A to point B. Sometimes, that’s a whole lot. Sometimes, that’s enough.

 

I am thinking of abandoning this blog…

This blog has been a special place for me to blog about life in general and, of course, about Star Wars. But I haven’t been updating the blog as often as I’d like and that’s mostly because I just don’t feel this blog is going anywhere. I suppose I’ve lost direction. My other social media accounts are all doing relatively well, but my blog has always struggled. I have come to face some hard facts about myself as a result.

Maybe I am not as good at writing as I thought? Perhaps my animation isn’t really all that entertaining. Maybe I am actually quite a boring person, so why would I expect anyone to follow me? Maybe people just don’t care all that much.

As hurtful as these things are to admit, I think that perhaps they are right. Am I defeatist in feeling this way? I don’t think so. I compare my blog every now and then to other people who haven’t been blogging as long as I have, and they are all doing much better than I am with their communities. And some of them don’t blog every day and don’t do blog guest posts or any of those things I see a lot of bloggers doing.

When I created this blog, I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with it. I knew that I wanted a space for my writing, I guess, but I never imagined I would even be good enough to animate something or create something. It seems those skills are not really what WordPress readers care about? I don’t really know. People say “just blog for yourself, don’t worry about the follower count,” but blogging for myself just seems so aimless and probably just another waste of someone else’s time.

Perhaps I just spread myself too thin with all the other commitments I have and I have lost the will to blog here. If I can think of a reason why I feel this way I think it’s probably to do with Star Wars in general and the fandom. I just don’t really feel it any more.

The one thing I still want to do, however, is pursuing the goals I set out to pursue mentioned in an earlier blog post.

I guess I have some soul searching to do…

Star Wars update – my interview and more edits!

I know what you’re thinking – why would anyone want to interview me?😂🤣 Well, it was an interview for a Star Wars fandom website in Russia, so the entire interview is in Russian. But I’m still pretty excited that someone actually thought of me as knowledgable in the area of all things Star Wars and I am going to celebrate that little fact! You take your wins when you can get them, my friends 😁😀

I’ve also been actively making edits pretty much everywhere I go, even on my phone! Here is a couple I did today – particularly for the Ben Solo fans out there who love him as much as I do! I hope my edits give you a little something to enjoy 😁😀

Ben Solo GIF The Rise of Skywalker made by Star Wars Creative Darkside Creative

And edit two!

Ben Solo GIF edit by Star Wars Creative Darkside Creative

Enjoy my friends – I hope your new year is going well so far!

“The force will never betray you”… Kylo Ren and Ben Solo edit

I had this image in my head of an edit I wanted to do with both Kylo Ren and Ben Solo which started off as something like a “Who did you become?” post which I’ve done before with other characters. But then I looked at the image I had made a little longer and came up with the edit below. The concept stems from Kylo Ren being Ben Solo and Ben Solo is Kylo Ren. Even when Kylo Ren was at his worst, in his darkest hour (from The Force Awakens when he killed his father), to the moment he turned his back on Kylo Ren and became Ben Solo once more. The force was there, it was always there, flowing all around him, flowing between Kylo Ren and Ben Solo and within them. Even though they are one person, Adam Driver was so masterful at portraying them as two separate people and that’s how I came up with this edit. I wanted to show the force flowing between both of his persona’s, and just as he was two different people, darkness and light, I wanted to show this in the flow of the force, both red for darkness and blue for light.

And in the end, the force would never betray him as the force was always there both in his darkest moments and his most heroic.

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Well, 2019, what a year you were!

A lot of bloggers are doing a new year’s post, and I was inspired by MillennialLifeCrisis and her blog post, so here’s my retake for 2019.

One thing I would like to acknowledge first is that 2019 was fundamentally better than the shocking year I had before where I was facing the possibility of losing my job. I won’t linger on this topic for long suffice to say that 2019 was almost a complete reversal of 2018. And I am a lot happier as a result.

In terms of goal setting, I surpassed some and some of my goals kind of went wayward and were replaced by others. I guess that is how life works. Setting goals should allow for flexibility. You can never know what is around the corner and I learned that it’s good practice to remember that. Unforeseen life events may change your perspective on almost anything and everything! Life can hit really hard some days, and you have to be willing to roll with those punches and come out the better for it – you have to at least try. You can never predict what will happen in the days to come and you’ll be a lot happier without worrying about things you cannot control (like your job security, to a degree).

So this year, in light of what I’ve achieved and done in the past year, I only have one goal and that is to move out of the 9 – 5 employment model and into a 100 per cent Work From Home existence. I am already working from home three days out of the five with it looking to increase to four this year. The beautiful thing about this is that I have a lot more time to work on what I actually want to do so I can leave my current job. That is the only goal I have set myself this year and it’s a big one. So I am not going to set myself any others until I’ve done all I can to achieve this one.

I would also finally like to mention that I have met and made friends with some very awesome and talented people this year here on WordPress and in other social media circles and I am so grateful for their kindness, wisdom and support. I am not a very open person by nature (once you get to really know me) so to connect with these amazing people is just incredible.

I wish you all the best for 2020 my friends and thank you all again ❤️💙💜

When you’re called a “racist” on social media…

Today after a lovely and restful sleep, I went on social media and was bombarded by posts all about John Boyega. For some reason, John has come under attack from some fans for voicing his opinion about Rey’s relationship with Finn and Kylo Ren/Ben Solo in The Rise of Skywalker. If I haven’t made it clear before, I will now – I have never liked John Boyega. I can’t explain it in any way that would make much sense but I can guarantee you now that it has NOTHING to do with the colour of his skin.

I am a little bit rattled because I’ve never been called a racist before. Being of mixed blood myself, I find it hilarious that anyone would think I’m racist just because I said I don’t like John Boyega OR the character that he plays in the sequel trilogy. It’s like, sorry but first of all, who do you think you are making comments like this about someone you don’t even know? And secondly, what does not liking someone have to do with the colour of their skin? I like Pedro Pascal and he’s of Latino heritage. My favourite artist of all time was Prince, also of mixed blood like myself. I like Barack Obama and Denzel Washington. The list goes on. How can I be a racist if I respect and love people who have darker skin than I do?

It’s just ridiculous what people do on social media. It makes me shake my head and feel sorry for them because they have nothing better to do than pass judgement and make criticisms that are cruel and mean-spirited.

So back to the John Boyega thing. I actually discussed the entire meltdown between John and the Star Wars fans on Dork Side of the Force. It hasn’t been edited yet so it won’t be up on the site for a bit but when it is, you can support me by visiting their blog and reading all about it (if you feel like it, of course).

I think I’ll go and write a positive and lovely New Year’s post because it is already 2020 in my country! Let all the most glorious things that can happen to you happen to you this year!

Much love

J.

 

Kylo Ren’s non-redemption arc

redemption [ ri-demp-shuh n ]
noun
an act of redeeming or atoning for a fault or mistake, or the state of being redeemed.
deliverance; rescue.
Theology. deliverance from sin; salvation.
atonement for guilt.

SPOILERS FOR THE RISE OF SKYWALKER BELOW!

I’ve seen a lot of fans talking about Kylo Ren’s redemption. I’ve seen bloggers on prolific sites confirming this. But I don’t agree. If you look at the dictionary meaning for redemption, it is an atonement of guilt. I don’t recall seeing a scene in The Rise of Skywalker that shows or implies that Kylo Ren is atoning for his past sins – his father’s murder, the murder of thousands of innocent people throughout the galaxy and the list goes on. That’s because Kylo Ren didn’t atone, and just because he reverted to Ben Solo does not confirm his redemption. Adam Driver has also confirmed in various interviews, the most recent with EW, that he doesn’t feel Kylo Ren needed to be redeemed. This would have me believe that Adam Driver was not playing the character of Kylo Ren as someone who needs redemption or needs forgiveness for the things he did.

 

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Kylo Ren Edit by Me 🙂

 

What I did see was Kylo Ren become Ben Solo. The one scene I do consider the closest thing to a redemption arc is the scene between Kylo Ren and his father, Han Solo. This was the highlight of the film for me. It was a scene with very few words but was the most significant turning point in Kylo Ren’s character development, where he made the conscious and willing decision to turn his back on the dark side and his dark side persona, Kylo Ren. When Ben Solo turns towards the tumultuous sea behind him, he throws his lightsaber into the ocean. This is the closest we ever see Kylo Ren get to his redemption, but it’s still not an admission of guilt for past transgressions. And Ben’s interaction with Han Solo was a memory, not an interaction with a “force ghost” as many have said.

I do, however, firmly believe that had Ben Solo lived, there would have been time for him to atone or to at least ask for forgiveness from the people he hurt the most. With Leia’s death, we know that she still loved him as she was reaching out through the force to him in the final duel with Rey. But again, this is not a confirmation of redemption. As Leia dies, Ben’s final opportunity for true redemption dies with her.