I got this idea from one of my readers and thought it would be a neat thing to do. It has been a few years now and going through my past posts is like looking through a photo-diary of my life! It’s kinda strange and cool at the same time. To look at all the different things you blogged about, how your blogging changed as you did, how your blog died when you stopped loving it – it’s all there, warts and all.
My very first post was a diary entry for my fanfic (now on semi-permanent hiatus), so if it reads like a diary entry to you, that’s a good thing:
Journal Entry 01
The thought of leaving the Academy is both frightening and exhilarating. All the hard work and sacrifice will finally be rewarded. It feels as though I’ve been training for this my whole life and to fail now would be simply unacceptable.
Lately, I’ve been thinking much darker thoughts. The training has taught me how to control and manipulate these thoughts but there are moments when I feel like falling into the abyss and letting go, never to surface again.
I think my mentor would be proud.
It’s so weird to read it now and to think that I wanted this blog solely for my fanfic at the time. This blog has become so much more than I ever imagined it could, a place for my doubts, fears, obsessions, loves and hates, and most importantly, a home for my creative soul.
As much as I want to revisit my fanfic and my character XN2903, the thirst and hunger I had then to write have diminished and evolved into something else. Now my passion lies elsewhere. I feel like I have indeed come full circle as a writer and creative person since then. Even though I haven’t made huge leaps and bounds in any particular area, I’ve let my creativity change and evolve, which I think is almost as crucial as finishing what you start. Sometimes, you can’t finish things, you just can’t. And I think you have to give yourself a pat on the back every now and then for understanding when something has creatively run its course. I think it’s OK to stop and step back and wait for creativity to find you again. I believe this is the entire reason why I devote so much of myself to what I love because it’s so exciting to grow and change and stop and start again. I no longer look upon this as a failure. I see this process for what it is, and I accept it. Maybe I’m letting myself off the hook a bit too much? Possibly. But I can’t revisit something I no longer have passion for. How can you do this? If someone knows how, please tell me because I think I have been secretly trying to find a way to do this my entire life, not just with writing but with many things I’ve turned away from for one reason or another.
Just look how far you have come… and smile.